Lesson learned: do not shop amazon prime subscriptions when you’re hungry, I just bought a monthly subscription to MEGA-STUF Oreos…
"Police officers completing the pizza delivery for the delivery man who was involved in an accident"
Just found myself lost in a fantasy where some rich person pays me a million dollars for one of my kidneys and what I would use the money for…
Sammy the cat accidentally hit the door stop and jumped a mile at it’s “BOOIIIING”. Now they’re all sitting there staring at it scared, waiting for it to “attack” again
Every friend I have that works at Apple or Google…
one time in 7th grade i was having unbearable intestinal pain like i could not move at all it hurt so bad so i went to the nurse and she sent me home and the second i got home i farted for legitimately 45 seconds and all of the pain disappeared
i hit my coworkers shoulder lightly and he was like “you’re going to make me cry like a girl” and i was like “what’s wrong with being a girl?” and he was quiet for a moment then he looked into the distance and whispered “the social standards they’re forced to live by”